Someday, because the Saffron Ranger doesn't believe in genetically enhanced designer children, I'm going to have kids of my own. Naturally, I look back on the fond memories of my childhood for ideas on what to do with my own kids. I'll play catch and Mario with them, read them Tolkien before bed and teach them how to ride a bike. I might even not laugh at them when they fall (both on the bike and in life in general).
I'll also try to avoid things I didn't appreciate so much when I was younger. I'll try to be nurturing of their interests, communicative and I will not actually sell them to gypsies; the threat will still be used, as nothing got me in line faster than being reminded of the possibility I could be auctioned off to a bunch of vagabond circus folk who would make me clean up horse shit and repair turbans.
Unfortunately for my kids, I've also gained some ideas about parenting from popular culture, which, I suppose, raised me more than my public education ever tried to. Here's some of the more important principles.
#1: Unethical Psychology
A lot of what I've seen here relates to fast food, much like Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me) claiming he would punch his kids in the face whenever they saw the Golden Arches. This is called "Positive Punishment" because it's punishment that positively works, but only possibly alienates you from your children. While these instances amuse me, I won't embrace the notion entirely. I will not tell my kids masturbation causes stupidity or blindness, because that's wrong (being, I'm assured by my internet research, a lie). I will also tell them the truth about drugs: people will like them more, until they run out of drugs to share, and that shit's expensive. Parenting is about honesty.
It's also about fear. I'll be anywhere, the beach, the mall, the trailer park and I'll be amazed at the white trash all around me. What really wows me, though, is the parenting. Some fat woman will, without fail, be yelling at her kids. She'll threaten her kids with all sorts of harsh punishments, which, inevitably, are as lacking in her parenting as vegetables in her diet. Those little shits know, they know they can get away with it because Mom isn't getting off her fat ass to smack them or take their Pokemon cards away. It's just not happening.
This is where I'll be different. I won't threaten my kids with punishment when I want them to behave. No, I'll make them ever aware of how important it is they not step out of line. Most parents, mine included, simply always followed up with their stipulations: do that and this will happen. I don't want my children to grow up with such a cause/effect mentality. I want them to be incessently wary. They'll just be too busy to be bad. I don't mean to say I'll be like some drunken hillbilly who could, at any moment, fly off the handle. I'll just raise them in an environment in which they can always be on guard of the worst happening to test their mettle. My kids will know that at any moment, well, not so much that I'd hit them, but more that combat is always an option. They will have to be fully aware of their surroundings as they could be dangerous. Keep your wits about you and answer the riddle correctly=dessert. Incorrectly? Run a mile. It's not waiting for the other shoe to drop; it's knowing it is squared off with your (kickable) ass. This sort of rearing breeds success.
#2: WWBatmanD?
I think this is one of the most important moral questions of our time.
And it's not just for kids, either; it's for parents. When you think about it, Batman has parented no fewer than three Robins, and he only got one of those killed, and according to Meatloaf's Law of Uncaring, two out of three is reasonable.
If my child asks, "Who are you to tell me what to do?" I can paraphrase, "What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!.. Er, your Father!"
They keep making a ruckus at, well, anywhere, and I'll give them some Bat-corporal punishment.
They want to drive the car, well, no one drives the car.
But I can also teach them important lessons, like, the law sucks. I can show them that there is a difference between it and justice, but, no matter how angry we are, we need not resort to violence. I can teach them that, in Bruce Wayne's words, "...this world only makes sense when you force it to." Wait, no. I double-checked and the bit immediately preceding is, "My parents taught me something else, twitching in a pool of their own blood." Huh.
Before that, though, TDK (as his friends call him), was letting Superman know how lame he is for bowing down to any authority figure kind enough to give an order. Lesson: don't be America's bitch.
Batman actually has a biological son now, and it took him about five panels before he screamed at him. Reason? The little snot was crying about not getting his own laptop. Batman told him he was dishonoring himself and his sensei. The text was in read, which must be pretty harsh.
Overall, I think Batman is a parent's best role model.
#3: Setting an Example
I was once asked, "Brandon, if you had to chose between your kids liking Batman or Star Wars, what would you pick?"
I gave this little thought. "Both, or they're out of the house."
While I probably wouldn't be that inflexible (but they have to prefer DC to Marvel), I guess I do like the idea of my kids being like me. I like the idea of them loving the things I love because finally someone will agree with me. Which should happen more often, because I'm always right, but them's the breaks.
I want the chance to educate my children in what's important to me in order to give them good lives, to evidence the value of my own, to make the world a better place. I'll also teach them not to expect the world to go along with it.
A part of me wants to tell my kids that they will be beaten down by mediocrity, scorned for success, marginalized for talent and punished for brilliance. In this respect, Marge Simpson has offered the most succinct advice. "Kids," she said, "aim so low that when you fail, no one will even notice."
I think about his statement, and it makes sense to me. I've seen it myself, all my life. But Homer's (and, I kid you not, my own father's) words echo in the back of my mind, "OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'll kill you!" Regardless of the humdrum-ness of the world, kids should be encouraged to succeed. I'll just have to show them how. My only problem is, going into film, the easiest way to do this is probably with porn.
Oh well.
So there you have it, a little method to how I will, insanely, raise my kids. Mostly, I want them to know I'll be there for them, or, as Woody Allen put it, "When I was kidnapped, my parents sprang into action. They rented out my room."
-Black Ranger out
